Saturday, January 1, 2011

Confession: I didn't want to write this post.

In case you think my life is all about "farting rainbows and unicorns", it isn't. Often people will comment or say things to me in reference to my life being perfect, or how I'm always happy. Let me tell you right now: I'm not perfect and I'm not always positive.

This winter has been an extremely trying winter for me and I'm only a little over a month into it. The possibility of more snow makes me feel sick. Like crawl in a hole, or under the covers and hide sick. I don't do well with little to no sun, and I don't do well being stuck inside a small house with three little girls all day everyday. Typically, my husband can be home more in the winter. For the second winter in a row though, he has decided to help a friend with snow removal to make some money on the side. Which is all he has been doing since the end of November it seems. However, since Thursday night I have hardly seen him as we had two back to back blizzards that brought us two feet of snow.

Needless to say, the last few days I've felt pretty crabby. I had snow up to my back door yesterday and it was to the point that even if I wanted to go somewhere (which I didn't), I couldn't. I didn't like that feeling of being locked in my own home with my husband away for over 12 hours moving snow on a holiday in which I thought he would be here.

And then at 8 p.m., just hours after I posted about life being so short, I got a call from my dad. At first I thought he accidently called me with his cell phone as all I could hear in the background were voices. But as he began talking, I remember thinking, "Either he has a cold or something is majorly wrong". I should have known then. My Grandpa Ellard had died. And I didn't get to say goodbye.

Grandpa and Grandma Meeting Zoelle for the first time.

I'm the type of person that asks questions when I know someone died. It's hard for me to think about the fact that yesterday at this time, Grandpa was still alive. "Did he know he was going to die?", "Did it hurt for him?" "After 70+ years of living, it's over just like that?" "Why didn't I call them today when I thought of them?" "Why did I have to run my 5K and not participate in my family's family Christmas with them?" I'm extremely analytical and think through everything. It seems that is all I could do last night is think, cry, and ask questions. I wanted to blog, but I just couldn't. Blogging would make it real that he was gone. A thought I still can't comprehend. What will life be like without Grandpa? I can't even imagine life without him and Grandma together!

 Grandpa meeting Xiomara. This would be the last time I would see him.

My sister blogged so much more beautifully then I ever could about him, but I did want to share a few thoughts about Grandpa that I so loved.

My sister and I were the oldest grandchildren for many years. In fact, the next youngest grandchild was six years younger than myself. Growing up, we were very spoiled by them. However, I don't think it was any secret that my sister, being the first grandchild, was favored by my Grandma. I think Grandpa knew that and when no one was looking, Grandpa would often give me a special treat or make a funny little joke that he knew would instantly wipe my tears off my face.

Grandpa was also a heavy smoker. He always kept his cigarettes in one area of their kitchen. I remember one day going over to those cigarettes and Grandma saying to me, "Vanessa don't you touch those cigarettes, those are your Grandpa's favorites.". All I knew about cigarettes at that time was that they were bad for me and anyone else who smoked, so I responded, "Aren't they all the same? Gross?" Grandpa with a twinkle in his eye started laughing winked at me and said, "I suppose you are right".

Grandpa also snored very loud. I remember once as a kid pretending to snore like Grandpa did and Grandpa just laughing about it. He was a good sport about his loud snore! :)

My last memory of my grandpa I have is the one I think all of us have, him driving away doing his finger pointer wave to us with a big smile on his face. It's a memory I'll never forget.

I love you Grandpa! I'll miss you. I can't imagine life without you.

I will probably be taking a break from blogging this week as I prepare and go to my Grandpa's funeral. I do have one post I have to put up for a company tomorrow, but outside of that, I probably will not blog (unless I remember to do my Wordless Wednesday).

*I can't find any pictures of Meridian with Grandpa. :( If any of my family has one, I'd really appreciate it.


  1. Your blog is just as beautiful and special Vanessa. And the pictures melt my heart! We continue to pray for you all

  2. thanks for sharing your heart, Vanessa! God is the God of comfort and peace. I can't say I know what you are going thru, but I will say that I am thinking of you & praying for God's comfort and peace in this difficult time for you. And believe me when I say this, if you need a break, please call me...I would love to watch your girls if you need to spend some time with your wonderful husband. I DO know what you mean about needing sun and just needing to get out of the house when you can't. God loves you with an everlasting love and He loves your grandpa too. sorry this is all random but I just want to let you know that I love & appreciate you and that you are on my heart.

  3. Thank you so much Cecile!

    Dawn-Your words were just what I needed to hear tonight. Brought tears to my eyes! Thank you!! Oh and I will definitely let you know if I ever need a break! :)

  4. Vanessa-thank you so much for sharing this. I appreciate your honesty-I too had many of the same feelings after Liam was born. And he was only one baby! My husband was gone for long hours working and I was stuck inside with a newborn. While we love our children more than anything, we need time with our husbands!

    I can't imagine what you are going through right now-my grandpa is a very special person in my life too. He will be 87 in March and I know it is inevitable-one day I too will receive a phone call. Cherish those memories of your grandpa and know that one day you will be together again. Take care. Love ya, Janel

  5. You put it perfectly Janel. Sometimes it's just a hard balance and I especially find it difficult in the winter.

    Thank you too for your kind thoughts on my Grandpa. He will be and is definitely missed.

  6. I'm so sorry Vanessa. I can relate to the "farting rainbows and unicorns"...but my life isn't perfect either. I struggle with hurt too. I lost my grandfather in 2005, a very devastating time in my life for sure. Praying for comfort fo ryou and your family this week as you prepare to lay his body to rest.

  7. Thanks Salena. It definitely hurts to know that I will never see or talk to him again. That is the hardest. Thanks for praying.

  8. i am so so sorry that i am barely reading this now!! and i'm glad i did because i'm sitting here a little bitter that it's been raining all day and my husband wont be home till 8, which of course is after bed time!
    then your post tells me to psych up because there are worse things to be mad about...
    i am so sorry for your loss. for your families loss.

  9. Thanks so much! Somedays are just hard and I think it's ok at times to be mad/sad, but I've been too stuck in that rut and I needed to get out, kwim?


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