Tuesday, April 22, 2014

On Firsts and Lasts (and all the in between)

We've been experiencing a lot of firsts around here. First time making it thru a nap diaper free, first time swinging on the big girl swing all by herself, first time not needing mama to reach something, and the list goes on. While Xiomara experiences all these firsts over the past few months, I'm acutely made aware of the fact that I'm experiencing lots of lasts. Life is a bit funny that way. Here I am cheering on Xiomara thru tears in my own eyes.

I've had a lot of people ask us over the years if we will have more children, either thru adoption or birth, and as the years go by I've answered very honestly that I'm not sure. However, as Xiomara is set to turn four this summer, and as we had three girls in three year, I know that this break has been good for us and I'm thinking more and more that we are about to move into a new season of our lives.

Typing that out brings a certain sadness. I think I will have to learn to live with that ache, as my friend, Sarah Bessey puts it.

It hasn't been easy though. Each time I go thru the closets and set aside of bag of clothes to sell to a friend, I struggle. The 2T clothes were the hardest as I realized I no longer have a baby. Instead, I have a full-on preschooler who rarely sits still to snuggle in my lap these days.

I have three growing girls who all are developing their taste for certain independence from me. I'm thankful that late at night, each girl curls up with me as we read a book together and I'm able to have my "babies" back for just a bit.

My Facebook feed is filling up with friends who are announcing they are pregnant or adopting, and I feel that familiar pull. My heart aches with wanting to celebrate with a new baby in our family. Every once and awhile Zoelle begs me to have a baby and then I really question if we are doing the right thing, or if we should give them another sibling.

However, most times I realize how blessed I am now to have three, beautiful little girls with curly heads full of hair. I'm blessed to have a six year old who loves to read, play piano, and sing. I'm blessed to have a four year old who is independent and plays on her own for hours. I'm blessed to have a three year old who has an exuberance for life that has made me smile on even the hardest days. They will all grow older soon and I'll be blessed when they hit each of the coming ages as well.

For now, my days are full and I'm learning to live with the ache and pull, and instead just be here in the present, enjoying it as much as I enjoyed the baby days.

What stage of life are you in? Did you have to learn to live with the ache?

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

On Frozen (Part 2)

Alright, so originally I didn't post this video in Part 1 because if you listen to the whole thing, a certain three year old has a bit of a tantrum at the end. However, after watching it through numerous times since finding it, I decided to share as it is too cute! Enjoy Zoelle's rendition of Do You Want to Build a Snowman. :)

Thursday, April 3, 2014

On Leaving My Girls

Dear girls,

Today I'll get on a plane and be farther away from you then I have in over a year. If you ever get the amazing chance to be mamas, one day you will understand how much it kills me to be away from you. Six days is a long time in your world, but it also is in mine!

However, if you ever get the amazing chance to be mamas, I'll encourage you to leave. I'll volunteer to be Grandma for a week while you go visit a friend half way around the country.

Because I know how needed that time away is.

Time for a break. Time to find out who you are away from the title of "Mama". Time to connect with other women. Time to travel outside of your comfort zone. Time to see new places. Time to meet new people.

One day, it will be your time to do all that. Today, the time is mine.

I'll miss you with everything in me! But as I've said before, my heart beats in each of your little hearts as my love for you runs so deeply there. Every second of your days will be on my mind as you are each a part of who I am as Vanessa.

Snow Angels

Think of this time as a gift for all of us. It will be a time of renewal for me, so I can come back home and be a better mama to the three of you. For the three of you, think of this time as a precious gift to connect with your daddy and to bond more with each other. For daddy and your sisters are just as important as mama.

I love you all and thank you SO much for giving me this precious time alone! See you in 5 sleeps!

With all my love, hugs, kisses, singing, and back rubs,