There are some things in my life or on my blog, that I have always been careful not to talk about, blog about, etc. Part of it because it is just too raw, real, honest, and hard. Part of it because it involves my daughter. My oldest daughter. I love her with all my heart and I'm well aware that she may read these words one day. Because of that, I want to be cautious with what I share. However, I have become more aware these last few weeks, that I must share. For perhaps it can bring about a bit of healing to me and maybe even her.
Parenting Zoelle is hard. I mean plain old blood, sweat, and tears hard.
It began when she was just a baby. I'm not sure I've ever talked about it, but Zoelle had a VERY traumatic
birth. To this day, it is very painful for me to talk about it. After being in
labor for two days, she was finally born with 3 tiny holes in her heart. Thus
forcing her to be away from me for two days with little or no contact with her
dad or I during those two days. I know two
days is a lifetime to small children. I did everything I could with her to
attach when she was a newborn. We did skin to skin contact, we co-slept, we
breastfed, we baby wore, we did not practice CIO, and I believe all of that
helped immensely. However, I clearly remember as an infant, her not being able
to calm down at all and she would cry for hours on end in my arms. This left me
frazzled and as I was still dealing with my guilt over the birth not being what
I wanted it to be, it also left me with a bit of postpartum depression.
It was around this time that I realized, that most likely I had a spirited child and possibly a child with sensory processing disorder.
As she aged, her spirit and spunk were emerging even more. Loud noises would set her off completely, certain tastes of foods would make her not eat, the feel of certain fabrics would freak her out. The birth of her little sister did not help and things became worse. For one whole year after the birth of Meridian, Zoelle cried pretty much every day. Then things seemed to get better, but now it has been tough again. And I find my weaknesses, flaws, and imperfections being tested every day.
I'm struggling friends. Trying to find the balance between loving and thanking God for that spirit, knowing that one day it will bring about such an awesome strong woman. But also struggling with how to deal with it now.
Multiple times during the day I declare over her how much of a delight she is to me. And you know what? She really is! She truly is a little delight. When I hear Xiomara calling out for "Well", I realize the impact this tow headed little four year old has had on her. When I watch her read straight through a book without stopping, I realize how much I enjoy her company. When she crawls into bed with me just so she can snuggle and play with my hair, my heart explodes with love for her.
But that is not to say we don't have bad parts of our day. Because we do, she is spirited, remember? I'm just struggling as a mom to understand that spirit and help her. I wasn't sure I would ever share, but then, I read this blog post and felt as if I was reading about my Z on a different blog then my own. I cried buckets of tears just realizing that someone else understands how I feel. Someone else knows what I am going through. Just knowing that brought a tiny bit of relief.
So I share here, in the hopes that being open will help me understand her more, and the possibility that just maybe it will help one of you to realize you too are not alone.