Last night however, Zoelle came up to me right at bedtime and said something to make me pause. She said, "Mom, sometimes I'm really sad because you don't give me enough attention". I got down to her level and asked her what I could do to help make sure I'm giving her enough attention. Ever the communicator in our family, Zoelle told me that, "You could put Xiomara down, and not hold Meridian, and just hold me instead". My heart hurt. In 14 months she had gotten not one, but two major life changes in the form of babies. When she was really still just a baby herself at barely three.
Sometimes I look at Chris and ask him if we did the right thing. I know we wanted our children close in age and I know that God gave us the other two when He did for a reason. But, I can't help but look at those with only one child and envy that time again. I want it to just be us (Zoelle and I). For it was when we were the closest. She and I connected like we were a part of each other. When Meridian came along, it changed. While it had gotten much better before Xiomara was here, it still has been tough on her. On me.
If I could do it all over, I would have spaced our children out further. But then, I would not have Meridian, or Xiomara. It's a hard balance to handle and I'm struggling figuring out how to give this little girl what she
I don't ever want Zoelle to feel left out, or displaced because of the other girls. I'm trying very hard not to automatically blame her if Meridian starts to cry. Trying very hard not to put all the responsibility on her because she is the oldest. Trying very hard to give her the attention she needs. But sometimes I fail. And then my heart breaks.
I bring it to God. My heart, my hurt, her hurt. And pray that He can fix it and guide both of us in the path we are to next take together.
Did your oldest child have a tough adjustment to being a big sibling? Any idea on how to help one through the process?
