Tuesday, December 18, 2012

My Mama Heart Cries Out

Too many coffins unbearably small
Voices singing, melodies sweet, now silenced by the grey
Who will lie on the pillow as the tooth fairy waits?
And who will rejoice when the butterflies take flight?

Too many coffins unbearably small
Bright eyes full of future now hidden by the grey
Little shoes, ready to race, have no feet to fill
The dinner table cries aloud for its missing bowl and spoon

Too many coffins unbearably small
Our wombs ache to hide them safely, now torn by the grey
We breathe in the sleepy yawn of molasses cookies
The crook of an empty arm yearns, like a puzzle missing its final piece

Too many blessings to count them all
Voices singing, melodies sweet , now dancing in the light
Running fast, the race with joy, glorious as they go.
Butterflies take flight, and we rejoice, no longer silenced by the grey

Dear girls,

My mind is reeling tonight. It has been for four days. You see four days ago, 20 beautiful children right around your ages were killed. 20 precious little boys and girls who had their whole lives ahead of them, taken away in an instant.

My mama heart cries out for the other mamas whose soulful mourning is heard across the globe. Whose tears rain down soaking everything around them. Whose anger screams out at anyone who will listen.

I feel the pain with them. Although I don't understand it, I feel it to my very bones. After all, I am a mama too. The thought of losing one of you, makes my heart lurch.

I want to scream out to God for those moms. I want to cry out and beg for mercy, for peace, for understanding. All of which I've somehow been quietly doing in order not to alarm the three of you. Zoelle you know though, you always have been able to read me, and you figured it out. I wish I could tell you all it will be ok, that nothing like that will ever happen to you.

But I can't.

All I can tell you, all I can encourage you to know and believe with all your heart is that God cannot be kept out.

No, my sweet little girls, He cannot be kept out. When the world all around you seems dark, evil, and plain old scary. When dad and mom are not here to remind you, please, please remember that there is always a light. Find that light and run toward it and know that God is bigger than the darkness, the evil, and the pain.

These last four days I've looked into your eyes a little bit more, I've snuggled you closer, I've cherished your cute little sayings, I've smothered you in kisses. All the while knowing that each of those 20 mothers wishes for one last kiss, one last snuggle, even one last fight. I'm holding on to you tighter, begging God to not let me forget the anguish of another mama. Because all too soon the world will forget and move on. The next tragedy will come and the focus of the world will turn.

But for me, I'm determined to have it be another wake up call to impart into your lives what I need to now. So each of you would know how much your Heavenly Father loves you, so you feel whole and loved in our home, so you can pass that love onto others. Always love others; no matter what.

So tonight girls, I sit at the piano and quietly sing to you, to God, and to the mamas who are crying out for peace. May these lyrics comfort them like they comfort me, and one day, perhaps comfort you. I love you!

"Breath of heaven, hold me together
 Be forever near me, breath of heaven
Breath of heaven, lighten my darkness,
Pour over me your holiness, for you are holy,
Breath of heaven"

*Poem written by a friend, Jennifer Tostenson, whose heart, like so many others, is breaking for the little ones who were lost.

*Song lyrics are written by Amy Grant

*Picture take by me, and somehow when I look at it I see peace.

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