Friday, October 28, 2011

I failed tonight as a mama. :(

Note: This post was written several nights ago and I wrote it so I can stay accountable to God, others, and myself (as I often go back and re-read things I post). Oh and because writing is therapeutic for me.

Tonight was not a good night. I failed in so many ways as a mother. Everything I stand for as a mother was tested to the max tonight.

And I failed.

I was so far from attachment parenting with my one daughter who just refused to go to sleep tonight, along with many other nights for the last two years. I lost it. I raised my voice. I screamed. I was not calm. I looked over at her big sister who was watching me and saw true fear in her eyes.

And I realized how wrong I was.

I hugged my baby tight, prayed over her exhausted little body, apologized to her, laid her down, and walked away. She whimpered for the thousand time, but I knew I had to leave her.

When her tiny body finally gave in to sleep and I saw her sleeping on our video monitor, tears streamed down my face as I realized this is not how I wanted to end my night.

Not how I want to be as a mama. Not how I wanted to behave.

You see I've been working so very hard on changing who I am as a mom. One area I especially struggle in is staying calm and speaking life to my girls. This picture that I recently shared on my facebook page spoke volumes to me.

For our words really do have the power of life or death don't they?

However tonight, as I found out, my actions also have the power of life or death. The image of my oldest daughter's fearful eyes is the image that comes to mind when I think of "Your actions have power use them wisely".

Sometimes when I fail as a mom, my past parenting mistakes come back to me and I feel as if I will never change or never learn. I feel defeated, guilty, and embarrassed. But then I remember that I am more than my past mistakes.

So tonight as I failed as a mama, I cried out to God for forgiveness and vowed to Him, to my husband, and silently to my girls that I will do better tomorrow.

Oh I know I'll fail at some point once again. But tonight I am so very, very thankful that His mercies really are new every morning.

Image sources: Pinterest


  1. I feel like we are so in sync right now. I struggle with the same issue. It is so hard, especially in the middle of the night when you are so tired. Last night Scarlett would not sleep and after 4 hours of being up I just got so mad, yelled at her and let her cry in her crib for a few minutes. I think it is just a human response and I too am so thankful that God forgives! Thank you for this post!

  2. Megan-The middle of the night is very hard for me. I cherish my sleep, or even before I go to sleep, just that quiet time! I'll be praying for you as I pray for myself!! :)

  3. Much love to you. Grace is for mamas, too. <3

  4. I've been there to Vanessa. It's VERY humbling to ask for forgiveness from your children. Thankful for Grace and Mercy!

  5. Dulce-In my weakest moments when I cry out to God I am often reminded by Him of the grace that He has for me. I so appreciate that and it is a true reminder to extend it to my girls as well!

    Salena-So humbling to ask for forgiveness and hard to then make sure I turn from that the next time I am in that situation!! I'm thankful for grace and mercy too!

  6. oops! Published without the comment! I so relate to your post. I have had many, many nights like this and journal entries just the same. So thankful for his grace, mercy and "love that covers a multitude of sins" (all mine) I recently blogged about a similar day and used the same verse!

    So glad to have found you and your lovely blog! Many blessings,


  7. Oh Leslie-isn't it great as moms to know we are not alone in our struggles?!? What is even greater is that reminder that God forgives and extends grace and mercy to us as well.

    Thank you for sharing. Off to look at your blog post!


Feel free to share any jewels or treasures in your comments to me. :)